Category Archives: announcement

Expressing concern over the rising number of non-reports, County of K Mayor TB recently issued an executive order banning all sex offenders from public libraries.

Plans are underway to compare a list of registered sex offenders to the libraries 150,000 active cardholders, who would then be notified to stay away from the libraries. When asked about those offenders who don’t have library cards, or who may be homeless and can’t get a card because they don’t have an address, the mayor had no immediate response.

“I just don’t want them anywhere around our kids,” TB said. “The ultimate decision is how we pursue it.”

When asked where these offenders could go, TB said the local bookstores. They already handle banned books. Why not banned people, too?

A manager at a local bookstore, who asked not to be identified, responded that this was “another example of an unfunded government mandate.”

A library worker, when asked how she would identify a sex offended, said she didn’t know how she would identify a sex offender. “It’s not like they come up and self-identify.”

Under a new state law sex offenders can be banned from libraries and such identification could lead to jail time, which would simply lead to more overcrowding, which the County of K already has a problem with. Still, the County of K Mayor felt he needed to get out in front of this issue and issued the first such executive order for any of the major library systems of the state. As a Republican, you can never have enough moral government, he was heard to say. And it usually doesn’t cost much.

County of K sheriff of nodding ham, J Triple said, “I applaud the state of Tennessee for putting tougher regulations on these dirt bags who prey on our children.”

When asked about enforcement, J Triple said with cooler weather coming on, he plans to provide free sweaters to those sex offenders, many of whom may be homeless. The sweaters would have the scarlet letters “D-B” stitched into them in a way that his deputies, using infra-red night scopes on their rifles, will be able to easily see on the chests of the offenders. All the deputy will have to do, Triple J said, is point his rifle at the library entrance and he (or she) will spot the registered sex offender. An arrest would then ensue.

When asked what happens once the sweaters start getting swapped, worn by the wrong person, or even show up on Salvation Army Thrift Store shelves, Triple J grunted that he would let the courts sort that out. Innocent dirt bags were not his concern.

In a somewhat related issue, on the same day as Mayor TB announced his ban, County of K Commissioner AE (Always Embroiled in controversy to her close friends), announced that she had a benign tumor removed from her parathyroid gland. Though the symptoms of the tumor were fatigue, pain, fluctuating blood pressure, and insomnia – not untypical symptoms for any County of K Commissioner these days, she was glad the cause of her distress had been found and treated. Recovery time could take two or three months. When asked about the recent ban of sex offenders from libraries, AE reportedly muttered, she could only hope there was a similar tumor at the top of country government.