Category Archives: absurdity

Oh, how they torture the language so

From the desk of tortured logic and tortured words, we humbly submit this political flimflam and falderal:

NASHVILLE, TN: The Tennessee state Senate recently voted 24-8 to amend the state constitution giving future state legislatures the right to enact laws putting new restrictions on abortions in Tennessee.

Why?

Because in 2000 the Tennessee Supreme Court ruled that the state constitution gave Tennesseans, and particularly Tennessee women, greater rights in this area than the U.S. Constitution.

Now, the Tennessee bicameral legislature is majority Republican in both the Senate and House of Representatives, and the House is expected to also vote for this resolution.

I thought Republicans were for giving individuals the rights to determine their lives and here is a case where the state constitution gives individuals more rights, more individual power than the federal constitution. After all, one must remember that this is the same legislature that recently voted to allow Tennesseans to refuse to follow the new federal health care laws.

This amendment would read:

“Nothing in this Constitution secures or protects a right to abortion or requires the funding of an abortion. The people retain the right through their elected state representatives and state senators to enact, amend, or repeal statutes regarding abortion, including, but not limited to, circumstances of pregnancy resulting from rape or incest or when necessary to save the life of the mother.”

There was an unsuccessful attempt by Senator Roy Herron, Democrat from Dresden, TN, to amend the amendment to protect the right to an abortion in the case when the mother’s life is in danger. According to Herron, the amendment, as drafted, says “the Legislature can protect you if they will or harm you if they want.”

In response to this, Senator Mae Beavers, a Republican from Mount Juliet, TN, said adopting the amendment would “convert the Supreme Court into a roving constitutional convention.” She went on to say that the amendment “is about returning to the people, through their legislators, the right to enact reasonable regulations to protect the health of women and the unborn.”

But the Tennessee Supreme Court has already ruled that the Tennessee Constitution, as presently written, gives the people, including women, more rights than the federal one to regulate her health and even that of her unborn child. It doesn’t say a woman has or should or is required to have an abortion. It says it’s not the government’s business.

Shouldn’t this be something Republicans should cheer, hold dear, almost sacrosanct?

But the Republican-controlled state Senate and House, the party of small government and fewer regulations, the party that believes that people can better regulate themselves than government, has decided here, the individual can’t be trusted to regulate herself, and wants to give that power to the state legislature, because in this case they know better. They want to be the roving constitutional convention, roving over individual rights as they see fit.

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Filed under absurdity, GOP, politicians, politics, Tenessee legislature, Tennessee Constitution, U.S. Constitution, words

I am what I am, and that’s all that I am

# I live in my own little world but it’s OK, everyone knows me here.

# I don’t do drugs ’cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

# Money can’t buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

# If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the “terminal”?

# I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

# The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

# I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

# No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” when their team is winning.

# How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

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The Blathering Idiot and Discovery

The blathering idiot went to work for an advanced scientific and technology firm. One day, when he passes the door of a leading scientist of the firm, he found a note tacked to the door.

Upon further examination, he saw it was not a note, but a memo, on official company letterhead, from the legal firm that this company used when discussing patent and invention issue.

In short, the memo said: All discoveries must be registered with this firm before they are discovered. All inventions must be registered with this firm before they are invented. No patents will be issued unless the proper form has been filled out in triplicate and registered with this firm. We must be notified at least six months in advance of any discoveries, inventions, ideas, or potentially patentable issues. Those who fail to follow this memo will be properly punished.

The Blathering Idiot and Discovery

After all, he needed the work.

The blathering idiot then had an idea. He wondered if his idea was a patentable issue he had to register with the firm. But since he already had the idea, it was too late to file it without being violation of the memo. Therefore, he decided from that day forward that he would see no ideas, hear no ideas, and speak no ideas. After all, he needed the work.

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The Blathering Idiot and the Bowl Museum

The blathering idiot was helping Xenia get her breakfast. Xenia was his on again, off again, on again girlfriend’s six-year-old daughter. Why Xenia’s name didn’t begin with a “Z,” like her mother’s – Zelda – the blathering idiot didn’t understand, but he didn’t and it was a school day, so it was a question for another time.

While helping her with breakfast, the blathering idiot thought he would impress Xenia. He found a one-serving box of her favorite cereal, and the box had perforations on one side of the outside that formed an “I.” When he opened the box using the perforations, it instantly turned the box into a bowl.

Dinosaur on the way to the Bowl Museum

Dinosaur on the way to the Bowl Museum

As he poured milk into the disposable bowl, the blathering idiot talked about how when he was a kid, his parents always had these when the family went on long trips, including one to see dinosaurs in a museum.

Xenia looked at the box with the flaps folded back and the cereal floating in milk. Then she looked up at the blathering idiot. “So, this was what you used before they invented bowls?”

The blathering idiot was dumbfounded.

Xenia had a piece of toast for breakfast.

Later that morning, when the blathering idiot was walking Xenia to school, he told her stories about his walking to school, and he often had to do it all by himself and how it was a long walk full of wild animals and dark places and not nearly as easy as it is today.

Xenia nodded, and as they stood outside the front door of the school, she looked up at the blathering idiot and asked, “Did you see many dinosaurs back then?”

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A thought on the computer

“Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.” —Dave Barry

To learn more about Dave Barry, American writer and humorist, go to Dave Berry’s Official Website

Computers can be a pain to get to work right

Buying the right computer is often a challenge.

.

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Humor and the art of capitalization

In this world of hi-tech, I have noticed that many who text message and email, have forgotten the “art” of capitalization. Those of you who fall into this world, please take note of the following statement.

I cannot stress enough that capitalization is important.

Capitalization is the difference between…
… helping your Uncle Jack off a horse.
or
… helping your uncle jack off a horse.

End of lesson

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The Blathering Idiot and the Call of Nature

The blathering idiot and his girl friend, Zelda, decided that the first day of Spring was the perfect time to go out into Nature, to experience the Wilds. Except, it was not as easy as either one of them would like. As the blathering idiot found out, Zelda was allergic to rag weed, tree pollen, broad-leaf grasses, and short-leafed flowers just to name a few of the offending items. The blathering idiot, too, was finding he had allergies to many wild animals with fur or feathers or scales, as well as a strong allergic reaction to poison ivy.

They had both also heard of the smog alert creeping up even into the mountains, the need for more sunscreen due to increased global warming, and the invasion of fire ants and even killer African Bees.

At first, the blathering idiot didn’t know what to do. And after a while, it was beginning to look more and more like the trip into Mother Nature wasn’t going to happen. Then the blathering idiot had an idea. It took him a while to fashion on the pieces of the idea into one final whole, but when he was done, both he and Zelda agreed that it was the only way they could both get out into Nature.

Blathering Idiot and the Call of Nature

"Honey, isn't Nature wonderful?! We really should get outside more often."


His only regret was that he drank too much water before going out into Nature and he hadn’t put a convenience zipper in the front of his.

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The blathering idiot, taxes, and heaven

The blathering idiot was sitting at the kitchen table doing his taxes, when in a fit of confusion and boredom at the inane complexity of a form, he fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in heaven. He knew this was the case because the disciple Matthew greeted him. The blathering idiot sat up and looked around. Heaven was not like anything he imaged. The primary thing that struck him about it was how rundown it appeared. The pearly gates looked rusty and slightly out of plumb. They didn’t close tightly. Some things that looked like trash tumbled from heavenly prominence to heavenly prominence, making slight rustling sounds like empty plastic shopping bags. Even the angels’ wings looked sooty and their gowns looked frayed and not quite as dazzling as whitest of whites sound be. One angel was even wearing a frayed t-shirt that read “Angels are people too.” Infrastructure neglect was everywhere.

Matthew had a sad and besmirched look on his face. “We cannot get God to pay attention to heaven. He says he is constantly fighting an endless war with Satan, and sending hurricanes to New Orleans and earthquakes to Haiti and such to punish people for their wicked ways, even if they are already long dead. He says he has no time to keep up heaven. But we have a plan and it involves you.”

The blathering idiot listened to the plan. He wasn’t sure if it would work, but if the blathering idiot succeeded, he could stay in heaven if he wanted.

“And if I don’t succeed?” the blathering idiot asked.

Matthew, the former tax collector, frowned, and then slowly shook his head.

The blathering idiot practiced over and over what he was going to say, and when he was ready, Matthew and some angels, including the one with the t-shirt, dressed him in the most scary costume they could think of, and then they sent him to see God.

The blathering idiot in heaven

"Well, Almighty, our records still show you owe back taxes for several million years."

After a brief introduction, the blathering idiot launched into his script: “Well, Almighty, our records still show you owe back taxes for several million years. And we are about to put a lean on your property.”

Shortly after that, or so it felt like, the blathering idiot woke up, an IRS form stuck to the side of his face.

Once he removed it, he glanced around. The world looked like he was back exactly where he had always been, back where he was before his trip to heaven. The blathering idiot didn’t know if that was good or bad, if that meant he had succeeded or not. He once again read over the form that had been stuck to his cheek, and he continued to wonder.

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Ripped from the headlines #3: Death Panels do exist … in Arizona

Death panels do exist, and the Republican-controlled legislature and governor’s office in Arizona has the votes to prove. With a 21–9 majority in the state senate and a 40–20 majority in the state house, they could even override Republican governor Jan Brewer, should she stray and veto a piece of not only Republican, but Tea-Party-Republican legislation.

These two legislative bodies and the governor have decided to hold 96 critically ill people (human bodies) hostage to a battle with Washington. They have voted to cut $1.4 million from this fiscal year’s transplant budget in an attempt to cut $561 million in Medicaid payments from its $1.2 billion budget deficit. This $561 million is part of a state-federal program that helps provide coverage for about 280,000 of the state’s poor. At least two of the transplant candidates have already died.

When asked about, Republican State Senator Frank Antenori was quoted as saying, “Government makes decisions that affect people’s lives all the time.” Including some that apparently will kill you.

Seems Sarah Palin was right: the government has created death panels. In this case it is a solidly Tea-Party-Republican-control state government of Arizona that has done so – at the expense of the poor, of course.

When Arizona considered passing a law requiring people to carry papers proving they were U.S. citizens should they be stopped by the police, the conservative mouth piece Glenn Beck was heard responding to critics by sarcastically saying, “Arizona sure has put the A-Z back in Nazi.”

Maybe he was more right than he realized.

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Filed under absurdity, Death panels, insanity, politics, Sarah Palin, Tea Party, true story

Ripped from the headlines

From the world of the absurd to your door.

With so many deserving authors out there, why this?

Bristol Palin Memoir Set To Hit Shelves This Summer
(I think hit is the appropriate word here. Or maybe Flog the Shelves this Summer would be better.)

Bristol Palin, daughter of former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, will soon be able to add “author” to her resume with the release of an as-yet-untitled memoir set to hit bookshelves this summer.

As noted by Political Wire, an Amazon listing for an “Untitled Bristol Palin Memoir” — in hardcover no less — has been created, announcing that the 304-page book will be available for a little over $17.

PopEater reported late last year that the 20-year-old mother was exploring a variety of options to cash in on the visibility provided by her successful, but not victorious, run on ABC’s hit show, “Dancing With the Stars.” Apart from the book deal and speaking engagements — which no longer include a panel at Washington University’s “Sex Week” — a source also told PopEater that future jobs might include a role on another reality-TV show and as a spokeswoman for a fashion line.

According to the Amazon page, the book bill be published by William Morrow & Co for release on June 21.

www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/02/07/bristol-palin-memoir-untitled_n_819850.html?

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Filed under absurdity, publishers, publishing, Random Access Thoughts, theater of the absurd, writing