If I tried to marry Truth and Beauty, would I be any the wiser, or would I have simply committed philosophical polygamy?
Category Archives: absurdity
Truth and Beauty
When to talk about IT
Note to self: Should I ever reach this stage in my career, do not talk about it being time for me to retire in front of a group, no matter how small, of overworked, under stress employees who are working overtime just to stay behind.
Filed under absurdity, humor, idea, redo, retirement, when to talk
The blathering idiot, zombies, and aliens
The blathering idiot stood in her kitchen listening to his sometime girlfriend Zelda debating with Xenia, her daughter, about which would be worse an invasion of aliens or an attack of zombies. Zelda said the invasion of aliens would be worse with their ray guns and flying saucers and killer robot armies. Xenia said it would be zombies because they looked “just like us, but would eat our brains out.”
The debate went on for another ten minutes or so, the blather idiot dozing off as he learned against the counter. Snatches of his head popping off, rotating fast, and zooming away like a flying saucer filled his snoozing, so he kept waking up.
Finally, to end the debate, they turned to him.
Domestic Dispute on a Cosmic Scale
“Which one, what?”
“Aliens?” Zelda asked.
“Or Zombies?” Xenia asked.
Now his head was really spinning. He couldn’t answer. He didn’t really care. It wasn’t even Halloween, so what did it matter?
They stared at him. He felt a rivulet of sweat run down the side of his neck.
It was like asking him to choice between toast with crunchy peanut butter and toast with smooth peanut butter. He liked them both. He also liked other things on his toast. Why did nobody even ask about the toast?
After what seemed like a day, Xenia harrumphed and left the table.
Zelda stood up, shook her head, and said, “Typical.”
She then turned and walked away from him.
That night, while sleeping along, the blathering idiot was visited by an alien ghost that told him he must decide or else. It was hard to understand the alien because of all the high-pitched tones and squeaks.
He woke up lying cross ways over his bed; it squeaked as her pulled himself around into the proper position.
When he went back to sleep, he was visited by a zombie ghost that told him, as best a zombie could, having no brain and all, that he had to use his head and make a decision. He woke up with part of his pillow in his mouth.
After that, he couldn’t sleep. He wondered if there were really aliens out there who might swoop down and invade the Earth, or even just his house. And zombies, well, while he was fairly sure they weren’t real, one could never be 100 percent sure about such things. After all, there were werewolves. He’d seen one at a carnival when he was six.
The blathering idiot went to the bathroom, and while looking in the mirror tried to figure out what was going on. He turned on the small light next to the sink and as it shined up on his face, he stared in the mirror. His pale face looked as if he had died. Pale, blank stare from empty eyes, he reached up and removed a piece of his pillow from his mouth. He then tried to speak, to say something to calm himself, but when he did, only a short squeak came out. It was then that he knew what his answer was.
He couldn’t wait to tell Zelda and Xenia. Neither could be disappointed in him.
When he got to their house, he walked inside and into the kitchen, and made his announcement. “It’s neither aliens nor zombies that I would fear,” he said. “It is alien zombies who would come to Earth, eat the Earth zombies and then starting eating the regular girls and mothers.”
First Xenia and then Zelda looked up at him and smiled. “We’re past that,” they said in unison. “Now we’re trying to figure out who would be a better kisser, an angel or a vampire? What do you think?”
The car insurance
Sometimes being young has it's own Twilight Zone
Plucked from the Headlines: Chicken Sandwich Slinger Caught in Crosshairs of Battering Bloggers
Marriage of Socialism and Satan blamed for bizarre barrage of bad press over sandwich give away by Pennsylvania franchise.
Prayers called for by all right-minded Christians in the Chicken Sandwich Slinger’s hour of need. “Don’t get caught waffling,” one supporter intoned, “or you will fry in Hell.”
No official comment from the poultry wing of the political spectrum. Some say they have been bullied into submission and cower at the thought of speaking up for fear of being squawked. “We have decided to lay low on this one,” an inside source said, speaking anonymously on background. “This entire situation is all fowled up.”
“This is not egg-actly what we had hoped for,” C.T., founder and president of Chicken Sandwich Slinger, said when asked about it two weeks ago. “But we stand behind our independent franchise slinger’s actions in offering free sandwiches to legally married couples. Man and woman couples. We prayed about it and have decided to carry this idea nationwide and will be offering one free Chicken Slinger’s Sandwich to couples holding a valid marriage license.”
Unsubstantiated reports show an increase in online requests for ministers’ licenses, with the largest spikes appearing in the San Francisco, New York, and Atlanta areas. When asked about this, 84-year-old C.T. said it was “a feather in our cap,” if the increases were due to his promotional idea. “We’ll yet put the gay ol’ time back into marriage,” he said. “Even if we have to do it one Chicken Slinger’s Sandwich at a time.”
There was no immediate response from the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender Alliance.
More details as they become available.
The Blathering Idiot and the Epitaph
The blathering idiot was about to take a flight. He rarely flew, so he was particularly concerned with the possibility of not landing, or not landing correctly. Especially with the recent spate of air traffic controllers falling asleep, discussions of Christian Armageddon/Rapture, Mayan End of Time, and general pronouncements from certain pundits that America was on the wrong track and headed for its death, he didn’t want to get caught short, though he wasn’t quite sure what short was or why getting caught short was a bad thing. Did that mean getting caught tall was a good thing? The blathering idiot was of middling height, so where did that leave him, he wondered.
The blathering idiot made all the arrangements. He wrote out a will, though he wasn’t quite sure how to test it so it could be will and testament. He made provisions for somebody to take care of his dog. He left a love note for his on again, off again, maybe again girl friend Zelda, and a few words of advice in a note for her daughter Xenia. He hoped that she would understand to definitely NOT take any wooden nickels. Though he had never seen one himself, he heard they were a bad thing. If nothing else, it might mean you’d one day reach your hand in your pocket and find you had a pocket full of splinters.
After all the other arrangements were made, there was still one the blathering idiot had not made: his epitaph. He had thought long and hard about this. What to say that would sum up his life in a few words. He spoke with different religious leaders of different faiths and even looked in several holy books, but nothing quite suited him.
He looked up epitaphs of famous people. He didn’t quite understand the one that read: “All things considered, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.” But maybe he would after he was dead. He looked at the epitaphs of the not-so-famous people in big graveyard near his house. (He did not discuss it with Zelda. Things were off again with her and what she would probably recommend would not be what he would want resting above him for eternity, particularly if her last words when they broke up were any indication.)
He asked a few of his friends. One said say something witty. Another said, why say anything at all?
As the flight time was fast approaching, in an act of desperation, the blathering idiot consulted books and documents. Over and over again, a certain set of words kept appearing. He wasn’t quite sure why there were on the pages they were on. These pages were often blank, except for these words. Maybe this was a sign. Also, he had not seen them on a gravestone before, so they might have the advantage of being one of a kind, and the blathering idiot liked the idea of being one of a kind.
The person who would have his headstone carved in the event of the inevitable looked at the words and then looked at the blathering idiot oddly. Finally, he shrugged and said, “It’s your funeral.”
THIS SPACE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK
Filed under absurdity, air, Armageddon, Blank, blathering idiot, Cartoon, Christian, End of Time, humor, imagination, Mayan, Random Access Thoughts, Rapture, satire, traffic controller, words, writing
Lift and Separate
From the department of I’m not sure what to think:
Women can now get Botox for their breasts. According to this web site Top News (how appropriately named) and others, injections of Botox can be administered to the muscles around the breast that lift and firm the breasts.
According to reports, the injections don’t leave scars, require no recovery time, and thus far don’t have any side effects. A woman could have the procedure done and return to her regular routine the same day, assuming, of course, that her clothes still fit properly.
The cost is less expensive than surgery, $4,000 to $5,000 a breast, but the effects last only 9 to 12 months.
Articles don’t say if the effects wear off gradually or all at once.
Reminds me a bit of the character in Aldous Huxley’s novel Antic Hay who wore inflatable clothes in order to make himself more attractive.
I wonder if they might try it on the brain next.
Words to be Wary of
In an effort to help those who may have been hit by the onslaught of marketing slurry that passes through the English language, every now and then, I will post some words or phrases that are absurd, unless you are in marketing, sales, or some other line of work where junking up the language is simply a way of life. To start, I submit two:
Free Gift. By its definition, a gift is free, at least to the recipient. If somebody gives you a gift that’s not free, then it is not a gift.
Truly Unique. Can something be falsely unique? Unique means one of a kind. Doesn’t matter if it is a good one of a kind, or a bad one of a kind, it is a one of a kind. If it is unique, by its definition it is true to itself because it is one of a kind.
From the Government Department of Hypocracy Department
NASHVILLE, TN — In March 2011, the Tennessee state legislature passed the “Health Care Freedom Act,” in essence saying Tennesseans didn’t have to follow the federal health care bill passed the previous year. In short, they were saying our state can be different than other states.
In May 2011, this same legislature passed HB600, the state Senate, by a vote of 18-8 in favor of the bill and the the House by a vote of 73-24 the previous week. It now goes to the governor, Bill Haslam, last who has said he supports the measure.
What is HB600? A state bill overturn a legally passed Nashville/Davidson County Metro Government ordinance that said companies contracting with the metro government cannot practice discrimination against employees based on sexual orientation.
Those in state government who voted for the bill overturning the ordinance said things like: “When it comes to anti-discrimination practices, we need to have consistent rules across the state,” said Sen. Jack Johnson, R-Franklin.
But the state shouldn’t have to practice consistent rules with the federal government?
And I thought Republicans were supposed to be the party of less government intrusion. I guess when you’re in power, it’s okay to pick your intrusions.
I believe it was Abraham Lincoln, a Republican, who said, “Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.”
With strong Republican majorities in both chambers of the legislature and with a Republican governor, I guess we’re seeing the true character of the state Republicans, and it looks remarkably hypocritical.
Links:
News Sentinel
Filed under absurdity, government, hypocracy, Nashville, politicians, politics, Republicans, state
Don’t touch those “bath salts”
NASHVILLE, TN. In an effort to curtail drug crime in Tennessee, on April 18, 2011, the Tennessee state Senate unanimously approved a bill prohibiting the possession or sale of methcathinone, presently sold legally as “balt salts” or sometimes “Molly Plant Food.”
Law enforcement says abuse of this psychoactive stimulant, which is considered addictive, is on the rise.
Hey lady, don't run away. I got just the bath salts you need.
But the new law, which awaits the governor’s signature, only makes it a misdemeanor to posses or sell this addictive stimulant.
Why wasn’t it made a felony? Reason: the projected costs of incarcerating those convicted caused the switch from originally being a felony to being only a misdemeanor with no mandated jail time.
One can only hope the state legislature will be so considerate of the incarceration costs should they wind up with the power to regulate a woman’s right to choose. See “Oh, how they torture the language so,” previously in this blog.
Filed under absurdity, GOP, humor, legislature, political humor, politicians, politics, satire, Tennessee, word play, words, writing
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