Monthly Archives: March 2012

Brush with success

Brush with success

Corner in a corner of his mind

He painted himself in a corner in a corner of his mind. His first brush with “success.”

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Filed under absurdity, humor, puns, word play

Rain / blooms

Rain reaches down. Sky /
lightens up. In between hopes /
my umbrella blooms.

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Filed under haiku, poem, poetry, rain

Found story: Cat-ching a conversation

No cat, not human

What do you mean you don't have a cat? Aren't you human?

Overheard conversation at a cat show where there were over 250 cats representing about 40 different breeds.

Cat fancier to an eight-year-old girl: “Do you have a cat?”

Eight-year-old girl: “No, but I have two guinea pigs.”

Cat fancier: “Cats and guinea pigs can get along.”

Girl: “I also have two dogs.”

Fancier: “Cats and dogs can get along.”

Girl: “I also have two birds.”

Fancier, frowning slightly: “Well, maybe sometime in the future you can have a cat.”

I wonder if Noah had the same problem.

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Filed under Cartoon, cat, Found story, humor, puns, satire

Sleeper of a deal

Night available.

One per customer it read.

Sleeper of a deal.

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Filed under haiku, humor, night, poem, poetry, sleeper

Plucked from the breadlines: Food Porn found near your toaster

News Flash!

Beware of this food porn creeping into your local food store. Spotted today was FlatJacks, an innocent looking addition to your diet, promising to make life easier and in two flavors: Original and “BarBQ.”

All you need is a toaster and about 5 minutes of your time, and all your fowl desires will be met!

Chicken from a toaster

Chicken from a toaster! What next? Will pigs fly?

When asked, the chief of police said: “FlatJacks is not to be trusted. He will lay your waist, and leave you with nothing to crow about. We have one of top detectives on this and he will get to the bottom of it, and then we will lay out the facts and seek prosecution of those trafficking in this chicken s&*^t operation.”

Psychiatrists are warning that what FlatJacks has to offer could be habit forming. Said one: “It’s almost magical, what FlatJacks is promising. ‘Chicken from your toaster!’ Who ever heard of such a thing? Pure fantasy! It would be as if I said if I had enough feather dusters, I could fly.”

Even one Republican Presidential candidate has weighed in, saying: “FlatJacks is free market capitalism at its finest. We politicians used to promise a chicken in every pot. We can now promise one in every toaster! That’s progress.”

Asked if he had tried one, the politician coughed and clucked as if to clear his throat and then referred the question to his aid.

When asked about FlatJacks, the Democratic candidate said he would form a commission to study the matter, and take that commission’s conclusions under advisement.

One local preacher took no time in condemning “this abomination to the very soul of Christianity.” Wiping away sweat as he spoke outside on the church grounds where an outdoor dinner and preaching was taking place.

He continued: “Young folks today do not know the true meaning of dinner on the grounds. In my day, the men dressed in their best Sunday clothes and women wore skirts and dresses, and often wore bonnets or hats, and they brought their best homemade fried chicken. It was a little friendly competition to see who had the best. Now, well now, look around here.” He waved his arm toward his brood. “They come in summer shorts – men and women – I say, and the women, well some of them wear the scantiest of things, and bring KFC chicken, and don’t even bother to take it out of the bucket. Now, now they will be bringing these FlatJack things and demanding we have toasters outside and long extension cords, and rows and rows of toasters. This will become one big stick it and click it dinner. Stick it in the toaster and click the lever down. Stick it and click it. This is Satan’s handiwork, I tell you. Satan’s handiwork.” In the distance a roster crowed for a second time and the preacher broke down and wept.

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Filed under absurdity, Chicken, church, FlatJacks, food porn, Found story, humor, puns, wit, word play

Writing Tip: Plotting backwards

[Editor’s note: the essay below is taken from an e-mail newsletter sent out by the writer Bruce Hale. you can find his web site at: http://www.brucehalewritingtips.com/. You can also sign up for his e-newsletter at that site. Each electronic newsletter comes with other information, including a writing joke.]

WHY BACKWARDS IS BEST WHEN PLOTTING A MYSTERY

By BRUCE HALE

When I wrote my first mystery, I hadn’t a clue. I tried writing it straight through, plotting as I went, and ended up falling flat on my face. Why? I hadn’t yet learned that backwards is best.

You see, contrary to the way most fiction is mapped out, mysteries are backwards creatures. They’re easiest to write when plotted backwards from the ending, rather than forward from the beginning. Mysteries, by their nature, are a complex tangle, and if you’re not careful, you’ll get stuck in it.

As I learned the hard way, if you write from the beginning, you’ll be left flatfooted with your detective, trying to figure out how to solve the mystery.

Better to go the easy way: work from the solution. Start from the ultimate revelation of whodunit and work your way backwards to mystery writing success. Here’s how:

– DECIDE WHODUNIT, WHY, AND HOW
First, pick the crime to be solved and the culprit. Suss out why they committed the crime – and the less obvious the reason, the better. Your villain (or clues from him) should be part of the story from fairly early on, but his motives and actions must remain hidden until the twist reveals them. Hide your villain in plain
sight – heck, you could even go so far as to make them a seeming ally of your hero.

– PLAN YOUR TWIST
This is the dramatic reveal, the “It’s not Snape, it’s Quirrell!” moment. (Sorry if I spoiled Harry Potter I for you.) The twist should occur at the least convenient moment, preferably when the hero is most vulnerable. Usually the twist occurs at or just before the climax.

To make the twist work, you need to come up with at least one or two plausible culprits, then show why they didn’t commit the crime.

– LAY OUT YOUR RED HERRINGS
These are the likely culprits, the leads your detective follows that turn out to be dead ends. Be sure the herrings are motivated as well, and if you can disguise their motivations or make them ambiguous, so much the better. Anything to make them *more* plausible, and your true villain *less* plausible.

– SCATTER YOUR CLUES
What tips your hero off to the fact that the villain is guilty? A latticework of little clues (usually connected much too late). You must always play fair with the reader, so be sure the clues are there, even if the detective and her trusty assistant initially dismiss them.

The key with clues is to use misdirection — have them seem insignificant, or be misinterpreted. You can’t make it too easy for the detective, or the reader!

– START WITH A BANG
And last, but not least, come up with a grabber of an opening that plunges us right into the heart of the mystery. Ideally, it should contain some small clue that points us toward the true culprit.

With all that in place, now you’re ready to write your first words. Happy mystery writing, and may the spirit of Chandler and Hammett be with you!

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Filed under Bruce Hale, plot, writer, writing, writing blog, writing tip

The blathering idiot and the sign

The blathering idiot had never stopped to read the sign until Xenia asked him about it. They were in a restaurant. One that she had selected and he had taken her to in order to help out his on-again, off-again girl friend Zoey. He was doing this to try to get back into her good graces.

But Xenia’s question was proving hard to answer. Maybe too hard. He stood in the rest room, hands over the sink, waiting for an answer, or even somebody to ask. But for ten minutes now nobody came in the rest room. No employee even bothered to poke his head in.

So, all he could do was stand, bent over the sink, hands under the dripping faucet, back twinging, and read the sign next to the mirror over and over and over again:

Employees must wash hands

Employees must wash hands

Sooner or later one of them had to come in, and at that moment, he would make that person wash his hands and then he would return to finish supper with Xenia, and he would never come to this restaurant ever again, particularly if he had to tip the employee for this slow service.


[Editor’s note: other blathering idiot “adventures” available by clicking on the “blathering idiot” tag below.]

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The pen is mighter than the sword

“The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.”

— Marty Feldman

Marty Feldman

Marty Feldman, comedian, writer, actor

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marty_Feldman

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Filed under humor, no respect, pen, sword, wit, writing

Empty: Full

Open and empty
heart with a full measure of
empathy and love.

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Filed under haiku, heart, poem, poetry, words, writing

The Devil’s Dictionary: Big hats and Cause and Effect and Education

Every now and then, it is good to revisit a classic, or even a curiosity from the past. The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce was originally published in newspaper installments from 1881 until 1906. You might be surprised how current many of the entries are.

For example, here is a definition for the word miscreant The Old definition is Bierce’s. The New definition or comment are mine. From time to time, just as it was originally published, we will come back to The Devil’s Dictionary, for a look at it then and how it applies today. Click on Devil’s Dictionary in the tags below to bring up the other entries.

OLD DEFINITION:
Effect, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the other — which is no more sensible than it would be for one who has never seen a dog except in pursuit of a rabbit to declare the rabbit the cause of the dog.

NEW DEFINITION:
Post hoc, ergo propter hoc

After it, therefore because of it. The link above takes you to a video highlighting the same thing as discussed in in the Old Definition, showing that things have not changed all that much.

Conclusion: some things never change. Maybe due to a lack of education.

OLD DEFINITION:
Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

NEW DEFINITION:
Education, n. That which the foolish, most conservative and mostly Republican, believe is wise to wreck on behalf of faith is something unseen, basically fear and prejudice. See the Tennessee State Legislatures attempt to recreate “Monkey Laws.”

I'm a state legislator and I know science better than anyone.

Post hoc ergo propter hoc: "I'm a Republican state legislator and I can stand in the way of education, therefore, I am better than education."

http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2012/mar/19/anti-evolution-class-discussions-get-senates-ok/

Anti-evolution class discussions get Senate’s OK

By Tom Humphrey

Monday, March 19, 2012

NASHVILLE — The Senate approved a bill Monday evening that deals with teaching of evolution and other scientific theories while the House approved legislation authorizing cities and counties to display the Ten Commandments in public buildings.

The Senate voted 24-8 for HB368, which sponsor Sen. Bo Watson, R-Hixson, says will provide guidelines for teachers answering students’ questions about evolution, global warming and other scientific subjects. Critics call it a “monkey bill” that promotes creationism in classrooms.

The bill was approved in the House last year but now must return to that body for concurrence on a Senate amendment that made generally minor changes. One says the law applies to scientific theories that are the subject of “debate and disputation” — a phrase replacing the word “controversial” in the House version.

The measure also guarantees that teachers will not be subject to discipline for engaging students in discussion of questions they raise, though Watson said the idea is to provide guidelines so that teachers will bring the discussion back to the subjects authorized for teaching in the curriculum approved by the state Board of Education.

All eight no votes came from Democrats, some of whom raised questions about the bill during brief debate.

Sen. Tim Barnes, D-Clarksville, said he was concerned that the measure was put forward “not for scientific reasons but for political reasons.” And Sen. Andy Berke, D-Chattanooga, said teachers were doing just fine teaching science without the Legislature’s involvement.

“We are simply dredging up the problems of the past with this bill and that will affect our teachers in the future,” Berke said.

Watson said the purpose of the legislation is to encourage teachers in helping their students learn to challenge and debate ideas to “improve their thinking skills.”

Critics of the HB368 labeling the measure “monkey bill” ranged from the American Civil Liberties Union to the National Center for Science Education. In a statement sent to legislators, the eight Tennesseans who are members of the National Academy of Science said that, in practice, the bill will likely lead to “scientifically unwarranted criticisms of evolution.”

“By undermining the teaching of evolution in Tennessee’s public schools, HB368 and SB893 would miseducate students, harm the state’s national reputation, and weaken its efforts to compete in a science-driven global economy,” said the statement signed by Stanley Cohen, who won the Nobel Prize in physiology of medicine in 1986, and seven other scientists.

The bill authorizing display of the Ten Commandments in public buildings — HB2658 — is sponsored by Rep. Matthew Hill, R-Jonesborough, who said it is in line with court rulings. In essence, courts have often declared displays of the biblical commandments unconstitutional standing along, but permissible as part of a display of “historic documents.”

The bill authorizes all local governments to display “historic documents” and specifically lists the commandments as being included.

Hill said the bill will prevent city and county governments from “being intimidated any further by special interest groups” opposed to displaying of the Ten Commandments. It passed 93-9 and now goes to the Senate.

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Commentary: Republicans DO NOT want smaller government. They simply want THEIR form of Big (Brother) Government. One where they govern your thoughts and morality. Your gun may be loaded, but your brain will be full of blanks.

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Filed under Ambrose Bierce, Blank, Cartoon, cause, Devil's Dictionary, educated, education, effect, GOP, Republicans, Uncategorized