Monthly Archives: November 2011

November 6, 2011 · 8:25 pm

Some words to live by

On the political front:
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
[Editor’s note: Only the line “Sir, I knew Jack Kennedy and you’re no Jack Kennedy” comes close to this in recent U.S. politics. Too bad we don’t have more of it.]

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.”
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

Do opposites attract?
“He had delusions of adequacy.”
Walter Kerr

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
John Bright

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
Winston Churchill

Words for the dead and dying:
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
Clarence Darrow

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
Irvin S. Cobb

On the literary front:
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
Moses Hadas

Literary point and counterpoint:
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill:
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” –
Winston Churchill, in response:
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second …. if there is one.”

Musical accompaniment:
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
Billy Wilder

Instead of saying your mother wears army boots:
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
Mae West

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
Forrest Tucker

For the man (or woman) who has everything:
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
Oscar Wilde

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
Stephen Bishop

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”
Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
Charles, Count Talleyrand

When the evening has come and gone not the way you hoped:
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
Oscar Wilde

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
Groucho Marx

The last word, or not:
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
Mark Twain

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November 5, 2011 · 4:42 pm

The blathering idiot and the blue tooth’s other byte

The blathering idiot had a blue tooth device for his cell phone. One of those devices that fits in the ear and wirelessly syncs to your cell so you can talk and receive calls while being hands free. The ear piece makes you look important or stupid. Zelda, the blathering idiot’s on-again, off-again girl friend had bought the device for him and he had eventually learned to work it. When he first wore it, she laughed and said he looked like a goofy Borg. It was then he told her she needed to lose a little weight.

There was one problem with the blue tooth. Every now and then, the voice in the blue tooth ear piece would announce in his ear: “There is no active phone.”

He would then move, sometimes not very much, and he would hear the voice say: “Your phone is connected.”

Zelda was away, and besides she was mad at him, so he couldn’t ask her for help.

Instead, he planned to experiment.

First, he laid his cell phone down and walked away from it until the voice in his ear said: “No active phone connected.”

It wasn’t that far, but farther from his hip to his ear.

He next walked around a corner into another room. After a few steps, heard it again: “No active phone connected.” Then “Your phone is connected” when he came back around the corner.

He then decided it must be corners. He would avoid going around corners. If he had to make a turn, he had to make it a 90-degree turn.

He worked to avoid corners, but eventually he would bend his body to avoid a corner, or even make himself sit down to think how he was going to avoid a corner, and he would hear the voice: “No active phone connected.”

Blue tooth's other byte

Beware of the blue tooth's byte

He decided maybe it was his clothes. So he started wearing different types of shirts and pants and even underwear. But that didn’t solve the problem.

Finally, one day he sat down and he turned his head to the left to see where he had placed his candy bar. His phone was on his right side. He heard the voice. He reached down to touch the phone, to make sure it was still there. Instead he accidentally touched his body fat. He pushed it aside and he head: “Your phone is connected.”

He let it go and he heard: “No active phone connected.”

He put down his Snickers bar and went outside for a walk.

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November 4, 2011 · 11:54 pm

The Devil’s Dictionary: then and now: Wall Street

This entry is a follow up to the earlier one defining abasement. For details, see earlier The Devil’s Dictionary entry: The Devil’s Dictionary: then and now: abasement

Original Devil’s Dictionary entry:
Wall Street, n. A symbol of sin for every devil of rebuke. That Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. Even the great and good Andrew Carnegie ha made his profession of faith in the matter.

Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call
To battle: “The brokers are parasites all!”
Carnegie, Carnegie, you’ll never prevail;
Keep the wind of your slogan to belly your sail,
Go back to your isle of perpetual brume,
Silence your pibroch, doff tartan and plume;
Ben Lomond is calling his son from the fray–
Fly, fly from the region of Wall Street away!
While still you’re possess of a single baubee
(I wish it were pledged to endowment of me)
‘Twere wise to retreat from the wars of finance
Lest its value decline ere your credit advance.
For a man ‘twixt a king of finance and the sea,
Carnegie, Carnegie, your tongue is too free!
— Anonymous Bink

Today:
Wall Street, n. Has anything really changed since the late 19th century? Except now more people can invest in Wall Street than in Carnegie’s time. Not because we are so much wealthy, now relative to then, but because the rules were changed, allowing more people to get fleeced. There is no Carnegie, friend to the common man he was not, decrying Wall Street. Now it is a group of people in New York, around the country, and even overseas, who got bailed out and never really said thank you. And when people protest, at least one state governor has even tried to illegally put them in jail.

See: Protester’s Arrested

Protesters deliver letter to governor; judges dismiss arrests as illegal

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Filed under Ambrose Bierce, Devil's Dictionary, humor, satire, Wall Street

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