Monthly Archives: February 2011

Ripped from the headlines #3: Death Panels do exist … in Arizona

Death panels do exist, and the Republican-controlled legislature and governor’s office in Arizona has the votes to prove. With a 21–9 majority in the state senate and a 40–20 majority in the state house, they could even override Republican governor Jan Brewer, should she stray and veto a piece of not only Republican, but Tea-Party-Republican legislation.

These two legislative bodies and the governor have decided to hold 96 critically ill people (human bodies) hostage to a battle with Washington. They have voted to cut $1.4 million from this fiscal year’s transplant budget in an attempt to cut $561 million in Medicaid payments from its $1.2 billion budget deficit. This $561 million is part of a state-federal program that helps provide coverage for about 280,000 of the state’s poor. At least two of the transplant candidates have already died.

When asked about, Republican State Senator Frank Antenori was quoted as saying, “Government makes decisions that affect people’s lives all the time.” Including some that apparently will kill you.

Seems Sarah Palin was right: the government has created death panels. In this case it is a solidly Tea-Party-Republican-control state government of Arizona that has done so – at the expense of the poor, of course.

When Arizona considered passing a law requiring people to carry papers proving they were U.S. citizens should they be stopped by the police, the conservative mouth piece Glenn Beck was heard responding to critics by sarcastically saying, “Arizona sure has put the A-Z back in Nazi.”

Maybe he was more right than he realized.

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Filed under absurdity, Death panels, insanity, politics, Sarah Palin, Tea Party, true story

The blathering idiot launders his own heart

The blathering idiot sat in the coin-operated launder mat watching his clothes dry. It had been a tough time since Valentine’s Day. He had forgotten to get his girl friend anything: no card, no flowers, no gift no matter how inexpensive, and though she was willing to forgive him, she said they needed to talk, and they would do so on the day he brought his laundry over.

The blathering idiot knew what talk meant. It meant that he, the blathering idiot, would need to make amends. He came prepared to offer everything: two-dozen flowers, three cards, an expensive dinner, an entire weekend watching “chick flicks.” Only thing she had to do was tell him what she wanted.

What she wanted from him was something he hadn’t anticipated. She simply said he wasn’t being romantic enough in the relationship and what did he intend to do about it?

The blathering idiot thought about it.

His girl friend waited.

Blathering Idiot at the launder mat

“If I wore my heart on my sleeve, would you launder it?”

The blathering idiot thought some more. He was prepared to give her what she asked for, what she said she deserved, even what she demanded. She only had to say it. He wasn’t, however, prepared to give her an answer.

He stared at his pile of dirty laundry, hoping for inspiration.

Finally, he remembered that she’d often told him that while she wore her heart on her sleeve, he seemed to keep his tucked away somewhere, so he said something he thought was witty, something he thought would break the tension, something that might make her laugh and then they would forget about the question.

He said, “If I wore my heart on my sleeve, would you launder it?”

For the foreseeable future, the blathering idiot was laundering his own heart at a coin-operated place of his choosing.

He found no inspiration as he watched his shirts tumble dry.

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Filed under blathering idiot, Cartoon, humor, observation, satire, story, words, writing

Ripped from the Headlines, no. 2: GOP carrying for wildlife

Congress just voted for a Republican amendment to cut all federal funding from Planned Parenthood health centers, one of the most trusted providers of basic health care and family planning in our country.

And if that wasn’t enough, Republicans are pushing to eliminate all funds for the only federal family planning program. (For humans. But Republican Dan Burton has a bill to provide contraception for wild horses.)

So, if you’re a wild horse and you sow wild oats, there’s help from the GOP; but if you’re human, well that’s a different bucket of oats.

I didn’t know the GOP cared so much for wildlife.

Or maybe they just want to make sure there’s more cannon fodder for the war machine.

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Filed under Commentary, Planned Parenthood, true story, wild horses

The Blathering Idiot and the Box of Everlasting Life

The blathering idiot saw the ad on the Internet, click on it, and was transported to a web site where the promoted product promised to…

Build a new, high-efficiency body:
Say NO to Memory loss
Say NO to Arthritis
Say NO to Pain
Say NO to short lives of 75 years max
Say NO to Ugliness.

Activate your dormant codes for advanced human ability and appearance.
Override the death code based on the carbon grid.
Make dominant your crystalline grid.
Make your DNA perfect again.

“I will show you how to self-heal,” Dr. Ben T. Err said. “My secret product formula, Dunthat, helps you create a new advanced physical form!”

Err then went on to talk about his advanced studies as an, Iridologist, Nutritionist, and Herbologist.

Best If Used By label on bottle

Best If Used By...


“Order today and learn how to upgrade your cellular character by releasing density, carbon congestion, primitive DNA, and by moving to crystalline dominance the natural way.”

The blathering idiot placed an order, which eventually arrived. When he opened the box, it contained a DVD, an instruction booklet, and a series of containers containing a series of products, all very herbal looking. And on the bottom of each container there was a sticker that read: “Best if used by” and a date. They all had the same date and that date had already passed.

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Filed under blathering idiot, Cartoon, humor, story, the perils of writing, words, writing

Ripped from the headlines

From the world of the absurd to your door.

With so many deserving authors out there, why this?

Bristol Palin Memoir Set To Hit Shelves This Summer
(I think hit is the appropriate word here. Or maybe Flog the Shelves this Summer would be better.)

Bristol Palin, daughter of former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, will soon be able to add “author” to her resume with the release of an as-yet-untitled memoir set to hit bookshelves this summer.

As noted by Political Wire, an Amazon listing for an “Untitled Bristol Palin Memoir” — in hardcover no less — has been created, announcing that the 304-page book will be available for a little over $17.

PopEater reported late last year that the 20-year-old mother was exploring a variety of options to cash in on the visibility provided by her successful, but not victorious, run on ABC’s hit show, “Dancing With the Stars.” Apart from the book deal and speaking engagements — which no longer include a panel at Washington University’s “Sex Week” — a source also told PopEater that future jobs might include a role on another reality-TV show and as a spokeswoman for a fashion line.

According to the Amazon page, the book bill be published by William Morrow & Co for release on June 21.

www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/02/07/bristol-palin-memoir-untitled_n_819850.html?

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Filed under absurdity, publishers, publishing, Random Access Thoughts, theater of the absurd, writing

The zipper and the preacher

Some things are better left “un-done.”

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Filed under humor, story

The blathering idiot’s dream

The blathering idiot was visiting his shrink one day and started talking about his attempts to write and why he wasn’t successful. The shrink asked why he, the blathering idiot, thought he wasn’t yet published in a magazine like The New Yorker?

The blathering idiot said, “I asked myself that question almost every morning when I looked in the mirror. ‘Mirror, mirror, on the wall,’ I said, ‘will The New Yorker come my way?’

The blathering idiot's dream

Doc, I asked myself that question every morning when I looked in the mirror.

“And one day a New Yorker was delivered to my house by mistake, and from then on, I quit asking. I don’t even look in that mirror any more, for fear it might read my thoughts and make something else come true in its twisted way.

“But I fear it may have already happened, for I once asked it to make me wealthy beyond my wildest dreams … and from then on I didn’t dream any more.”

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Filed under blathering idiot, Cartoon, humor, satire, word play, words, writing