We have reached a level of entertainment on par with the Roman Coliseum. We have senseless wars abroad, senseless politics at home, and senseless entertainment all around.
Submitted for your consideration, this promo for a local sporting event:
“Come out and cheer on your Knoxville Ice Bears on Guaranteed Fight Night. We guarantee all the fans in attendance there will be a fight whether it occurs during one of the three periods or during the intermissions. Bring yourself, your friends and your family to come find out what we have planned for you.”
Yes, bring your family, if for no other reason than to see a fight at a hockey game. Reminds me of that joke, I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
What’s next, a merger with Rasslin’ and possibly the Icecapades or some other ice show. Will we see Snow White duking it out with Little Red Riding Hood? Goofy and Pluto illegally checking each other? Rasslin’ with the Stars on Ice? (Well, that might actually have some socially redeeming value.) All of it family fun. And all for one, low admission price. Please pay these prices and pay no more.
Filed under Random Access Thoughts, Uncategorized
The blathering idiot went to the lingerie store to buy his girlfriend a $50 bra. She had given exact instructions as to what she wanted and where to get it.
The blathering idiot had never been in a lingerie store before. But even before he went, he thought $50 was a little much for a bra. Her physical structures were nice, but not stellar. Neither were his own, and he wouldn’t think of spending $50 to support his.
Still it was his girlfriend and it was the season for presents, so he entered the lingerie store and approached the saleswoman to ask where he could find this “accoutrement.” He had learned that word recently and this was his first chance to use it, and for some reason it seemed to fit.
As she led him to the display, she asked if he might be interested in any of the shop’s specials.
The blathering idiot thought they might be offering some eggnog or Christmas cookies, so he said yes.
She smiled and then explained that their $75 undergarment was on sale for $65 and their $100 undergarment was on sale for $80.
First, she took him to the $50 bra, which looked much like the bras he had glimpsed most of his life, from his mother to his girlfriend, and a few other women in between, especially the one time in high school when his friends had pulled off his underwear, pulled it down over his head, and then shoved him into the girl’s locker room.
“As you can see,” the sales lady said, “there is nothing about this undergarment that stands out from the rest. It is a good one, but for that special woman in your life, I’m sure you want better. A little something that will grab her and your attentions.”
She then winked at him and showed him the $75 bra. It was smaller than the $50 one and had some areas of exposure he had never considered in a bra.
Then, without saying a word, she showed him the $100 bra. They were just two small cups that appeared barely big enough to fit over the tips of his girlfriend’s structures.
When he asked about the loss of material, she said it was all about presentation. “The less material, the more presentation, the more sizzle. Think how proud your girlfriend will be to wear this $100 undergarment, and that pride will show, causing her to walk taller, stand straighter, giving her all the support she will ever need.” She smiled at him. “After all, presentation is everything.”
The blathering idiot was sold. He bought the $100 undergarment on sale for $80, had it wrapped, and couldn’t wait to see his girlfriend’s presentation.
When she unwrapped the undergarment, she didn’t know what to think. Or, rather, she did, but kept her first thoughts to herself. She asked the blathering idiot about it, trying in the nicest way to figure out where he’d screwed up. He talked about sizzle and carriage and presentation, and with that undergarment on, she would walk tall and walk proud.
The blathering idiot’s girlfriend didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or be angry. All three emotions played across her face.
The blathering idiot took it to be gratitude beyond words.
Shortly thereafter, he walked home with the two small pieces of the undergarment fitted over his eyes. She told him he could only remove them once he got home. Otherwise, he wouldn’t make the right presentation.
He walked proudly into the night.
The blathering idiot bought a ball cap at the store. It had the symbol and colors of his favorite team. He was proud of the cap and what it stood for. He felt he was part of something larger than himself.
Then he took the cap off and looked under the lip and saw a tag that read: One Size fits most.
The blathering idiot was upset. He had thought for sure that he had bought the deluxe model of this type of cap. It had cost him enough, and it even said “Limited Deluxe Edition” on another tag under the lip.
There was only one thing the blathering idiot could do: He immediately went to that store and demanded that they fix his purchase.
When ask what the problem was, the blathering idiot stammered: “The cap. It doesn’t fit all.”
The clerk, thinking the blathering idiot meant “at all,” asked him to try it on. The cap fit perfectly.
The blathering idiot immediately jumped to his feet, knocking the hat off.
“I am not in the all,” he said, and then he demanded to see the store manager.
Eventually, when the store manager came out to see him, the blathering idiot was clearly irritated. He shoved the tag up almost into the manager’s nose.
“This tag,” the blathering idiot said, “says one size fits most. It should say one size fits all.”
“But it won’t fit all,” the manager said. Then he asked, “Does it fit you?”
“That’s not the point. I paid for a one-size-fits-all hat of my favorite team, and instead I get a one-size-fit-most hat.”
After trying a few more times to convince the blathering idiot that as long as the hat fit, there shouldn’t be a problem, the manager reluctantly refunded the blathering idiot’s money.
As he left the store, the blathering idiot muttered, “How can I belong to something larger than myself when nothing is no longer one-size-fits all? What’s this world coming to?”
Filed under blathering idiot, humor, Perils of writing, the perils of writing, word play, words, writing
The blathering idiot had heard the weather forecast before he went to bed. He set his alarm to rise before the sun.
The next day, he arose, dressed in his best clothes, and went outside to run up and down the streets until he came to the edge of town. His calves hurt. He was not used to running in his good boots, but if he didn’t hurry, he would not make it in time.
The blathering idiot ran into the country until he came to a field at the bottom of the east ridge. He crossed the fence and raced, as fast and as hard as he could, up the ridge until he reached the top. The sun was already peaking above the ridge top. In the town below, people would be rising, stretching, yawning, and going to their windows to see the sunrise. As it rose more, he approached it and then, without saying anything, tried kicking it like a ball.
The sun continued rising. The blathering idiot continued kicking at it. He kicked more and more and more until the sun was up over his head like a bright balloon on its way to the heavens. He couldn’t understand. He was sure he had heard correctly. The weather forecaster had said “It will be unseasonably warm with a slight breeze, and sunshine from dawn to dusk. It will be a great day for Christmas shopping and a beautiful day to boot.”
The blathering idiot’s calves sized up and he fell down.
Filed under blathering idiot, humor, puns, the perils of writing, words, writing
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