Monthly Archives: November 2010

November 28, 2010 · 3:02 pm

The trunk

The blathering idiot went to the zoo to see the elephant’s trunk. He got so close, the elephant dropped a load of hay and elephant snot on him.

The blathering idiot then went home, took a shower, and pulled out his trunk to get some fresh clothes to wear. He did not select his swimming trunks.

He then gathered up his elephant-snot encrusted clothes and put them in the trunk of his car to take to the Laundromat. He did not want to wash these clothes at home.

While watching his clothes spin round and round, the blathering idiot tried to figure out why the elephant’s trunk was in the front, his car’s truck was in the back, and his clothes trunk was usually in the closet.

He pondered this philosophical point as he drove home, almost not noticing the car in the wrong lane headed toward him. At the last moment, he swerved out of the way, but in doing so ran into the trunk of a tree, causing his air bag to inflate, keeping the trunk of his body from hitting the steering wheel. However, a large branch of the tree broke off, severing an electrical trunk line, which fell across the trunk line of a nearby railroad track, truncating service for most of a day.

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November 26, 2010 · 7:29 pm

Giving 110 Percent

The blathering idiot attended a seminar where the presenter, a microphone clipped over his ear and an overabundance of enthusiasm clipped onto his voice, told the audience that the key to success in work, in financial success, in love, in all of life was to give not 50 percent, not 75, not even 100, but “110 percent.”

After the all-day workshop, the blathering idiot returned home to find a pile of bills waiting for him. He opened them and totaled how much he owed for the minimum monthly payments, and it was 130 percent of what he earned. He smiled, closed his eyes, and waited for success to come.

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November 25, 2010 · 3:10 pm

Get a grip

The blathering idiot stood in front of the full-length hallway mirror. He looked down at his left hand. Then he looked down at his right hand. He brought his right hand up toward the mirror and turned, open-palm outward so he could see its reflection in the mirror. He did the same thing with the left hand. He then turned the left hand toward the right one and bent the fingers and thumb to make a beak.

“Hello, right hand,” he said as he flapped the beak open and closed.

The right hand remained palm outward toward the mirror.

The left hand waited a minute, then tried again. “Hello, right hand. I’m the left hand and would like to get to know you so that I know what you’re up to.”

The right hand turned slightly toward the left, curled into a fist, but then wiggled its thumb like a lower-lip: “Harrumph.”

It then fled to the safety of the front pants’ pocket.

The left hand turned toward the blathering idiot. “How do you intend to handle this?”

The blathering idiot shrugged. “Maybe the right hand doesn’t want to know what the left hand is doing.”

The left hand smacked him. “Get a grip.”

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November 21, 2010 · 11:19 am

The blathering idiot

Once upon a time in a street not so far away, a piece of history came floating by. It rode on a clown of expectation, juggled just high enough for everybody to see, if you were looking. I looked, but in the end could not figure out what was going on. Then a frog hopped up to me and said, “Your tie’s on backwards.” But I wasn’t wearing a tie, and least I wasn’t until I felt up around my neck to be sure and realized that somebody had slipped a noose around my shoulders when I wasn’t looking. The other end was dangling over a tree limb in my front yard. A rake was dangling from another tree limb. I had been raking until I saw the piece of history floating by. Then I had stopped and stepped to the street to see what it was all about. And now there was a noose around my neck. Some days it just doesn’t pay to watch the parade of history go by.

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