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Monthly Archives: March 2010
So, you want to be a hero? Part II
Or, does this happen to Batman?
Here I was, last Thursday, March 18th, having viewed over an hour of
To fight crime and fires, a superhero needs a working belt
PowerPoint, grasping the subtleties of P.A.S.S. (Pull the pin, Aim the extinguisher at the base of the fire, Squeeze the trigger, Sweep the extinguisher from side to side). I knew the fire triangle: Oxygen, Fuel, Heat, and that if you break one side of this triangle, the fire goes out. I learned that you should never fight a fire alone, always have an escape route, make sure there is no falling debris, and make sure the fire extinguisher is rated to handle the fire and that the fire is not a large one. I even learn about overhauling a fire, that is, making sure it is out, many times by stirring the ashes.
We then took a bathroom break before assembling outside at a site where we would take turns putting out a small fire. I walked into the bathroom my head full of newly minted knowledge. I did my business, which did not involve loosening my belt, and then I exited, ready to tackle this last portion of the evening’s training, to take the next step in my CERT training. And then my pants started to sag. The more steps I took, the further it dragged down. I reached down to feel what was the matter and discovered my belt had broken. Snapped off at the buckle, the belt buckle gizmo dangled from one end of the belt and the frayed end of the belt dangled from the other.
Now, it’s definitely hard to fight a fire, even one contained in a small galvanized tub—and even with a partner, 5 firefighters, and the rest of the CERT class hanging around—when you’re trying to hold the extinguisher in one hand and a handful of the waist of your pants in the other.
I had to wonder if this happens to Batman. Does his utility belt ever break? Do his caped crusader pants ever droop?
Will there be CERT training on what to do in case of this emergency?
Inquiring minds want to know.
Filed under CERT, certificate, hero, humor, Random Access Thoughts, training
So, you want to be a hero?
If you want to be a hero, maybe the first step is to take CERT (Community Emergency Response Team) training. I am.
Okay, for those of you who know me, you can stop laughing now. The idea of me being a hero is a bit laughable, and in reality, CERT training will not make you a hero, even though if you complete the seven week/one-night-a-week/2.5-hours-each-night course you do get a certificate suitable for framing. Hey, even Superman never seemed to have a certificate. Of course, in his league, a certificate might not mean much.
All humor aside, CERT training will help you be prepared in case of an emergency. It is not meant to make you part of a volunteer civilian core that will get called out in the event of a natural disaster, technological met down, terrorist attack, or even a three-car pileup on the Interstate.
It is meant to help you be prepared, and with that, help your family be prepared (if you have a family nearby), and even help out your neighbors should it be necessary. In short, the training is to help you be a little more self-reliant in the event of an emergency. That emergency could be the power going out in the middle of the coldest snap in winter. That emergency could be needing to leave your house in five minutes due to a tanker truck overturning nearby and the truck is carrying a chemical that reacts with water or air to create a poisonous gas. The emergency doesn’t have to be a tornado pulling up houses in your neighborhood as if they were petunias or flood waters rising high enough to whisk your car slip-sliding away.
I hope to post some information on what I learn in the coming weeks, but by no means take what I write as the be-all end-all of information. I would think a better place to start finding out the be-all end-all of information is a place like http://knoxtnlepc.com/getready or http://www.citizencorps.gov/cert/.
The idea started in Los Angeles, CA in 1984, after people in that city government visited Japan to see how a similar program they had worked. Those officials proposed a program much like the one today to the LA city council, which turned it down, saying good idea but it costs too much. Then the 1987 earthquakes in California happened, and they decided maybe it didn’t cost too much to invest in such a program. Not as much as earthquake damage, anyway.
Since then, the idea has moved across the U.S. CERT training was adopted by FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) in 1994, and was given more importance after 9/11. It has been in Knoxville/Knox County since 2004, spearheaded initially by the Knoxville Police Department. Now, almost all emergency response agencies in Knoxville/Knox County participate in some way to provide training. The most notable exception is the Knox County Sheriff’s Department.
Why? I don’t know. Maybe one of the Knox County mayoral candidates who is was sheriff at the time can answer that question.
Filed under CERT, certificate, hero, Random Access Thoughts, training
What would you name your characters?
If you were writing a story or novel and some or all of the characters were involved with the pornography industry, what would you name them? What would be the name of one of the movies they stared in?
What's in a Name?
Well, here is my suggestions:
Female: Annie Mall and Holiday O’Dare starring in the Shakespearean take off, The Taming of the Screw.
Co-starring that up and coming shemale porn star: Spenser Dick.
With a guest appearance by that male porn icon: G. Golly Wad.
Directed by: Buck Loins
Script by: Billy S. Spear
Produced by: Own Les VerGin
Best Grip (and yes there is such a position title in mainstream films): Howard Peterson
Shot on location in Simi Valley, CA.
With post production work at our world-famous Bangalore studios.
Worldwide distribution by BIMBO: BIg Man’s Britches Online.
Music by Howlin’ Jack and The Scratch and Sniff Quartet.
Filed under characters, names, puns, Random Access Thoughts, words, writing
The Great Cookie Conspiracy
I need my cookie fix
Submitted for your approval, a conspiracy that stretches back almost 100 years to the very bowels of America. In December 1917, one Candy Cane of the Mistletoe Troop in Muskogee, Oklahoma, executed the first Girl Scout cookie sale. Only interrupted by World War II, Girl Scout cookie sales have continued unabated to this very day. You may even be receiving or have received your shipment. And like most of us, you may have some left over from 2009, 2008, and maybe even 2007. They are almost fruitcake fiendish in their ability to maintain a shelf life, or live in the back of your freezer.
It is this very quality that is the basis of our latest conspiracy theory.
Consider this: Since 1917, and certainly since the end of WWII, the average American’s waistline has expanded faster than the universe. In a recent survey of 100,000 Americans, 20% of men were portly and 25% were so fat they had trouble finding their waist when it was to be measured. And 60% of women were pear shaped. (http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/6254.php)
As of 2007, sales of Girl Scout cookies were estimated at about 200 million boxes per year. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Girl_Scout_cookie)
And now the Girl Scouts even have a web site where you can go and download recipes so you can use your thin mints in making brownies and your crumbled up Samoas in your batter-fried shrimp dish. Is it any wonder that these are the two top selling Girl Scout cookies? (http://www.girlscouts.org/program/gs_cookies/cookie_faqs.asp)
Add to that this reality: now even schools are getting in on the act of selling processed sugar delights to raise money. Why, just the other day as I walked down the hallway of my daughter’s school, a cute red-head boy offered to sell me a dozen Krispy Kremes so he could go on a field trip to Washington, D.C. It has gotten that brazen. It has gotten that out of control!
And last night, well, last night when a young man from a local high school walked up to my door and under the cover of darkness attempted to deliver my order of cookie dough so he could buy a new band uniform, it hit me: It’s a conspiracy!
Our school children are making us fat! And what’s worse, they don’t even know they are doing it. They are in the thrall of powers larger than themselves.
And it’s been going on for almost a century!
That cute red-headed boy wanted to go to D.C. not to learn, but to get his next level of indoctrination.
Why have not our enlightened pundits spoken up? Where is Rush and Bill, Glenn and Sean? Has Rush been Do-si-Do-ed into submission? Has Bill been Thin Minted? Is Glenn just a Tagalong for those behind this conspiracy? Has Sean been slipped thousands of Samoas to keep quiet?
Even Sarah is silent on this issue. Does she not feel an obligation to retard this vast and growing conspiracy?
Where has my thin America gone? It brings tears to my eyes as I try to tie my shoes. I just want my thin, unMinted America back. Will nobody save us from ourselves?
I can’t bear to think about it any longer. I have to go and have my milk and cookies now to drown my sorrows. Maybe a Trefoil or two will help. I’ll call my childhood friend, the Cookie Monster, and see if he can come over and assure me everything will be alright, that my world isn’t crumbling.
Filed under conspiracy, humor, pundits, Random Access Thoughts, writing
That age thing
As Mark Twain put it, age is about mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
So, in honor of a friend of mine who said she was a bit indignant that I was younger than she was (even with my recent birthday), we agreed that I would be 58 this birthday, that way I would be older than she was.
I said, we’ll call it the Catherian calendar. Sort of like when people went to bed on Thursday, October 4, 1582 and work up on Friday, October 15, 1582, making the jump from the Julian to the Gregorian calendar. This jump will be several multiples of 10 days, but what the hey. If I’m more successful at 58 than I am right now, I’ll take it. But six years ago, I was hoping I’d be more literarily successful now than I was then, and I’ve seen how that has turned out.
It’s almost enough to make me want to start a Gregorian chant. (Yeah, a very bad and slightly obtuse pun.)
Birthday time
Filed under age, birthday, Random Access Thoughts
While out for dinner this evening…
A social observation occurred to me when a young boy, probably four or five, returned to his dinner table and made an announcement.
My observation, based on the young man’s announcement is this: up until the age of eight it is socially acceptable to come out of a public rest room and announce to family, friends, and bystanders alike that you just went pee or poop. It is also socially acceptable to make the same pronouncement in the same social situation when you are above 80 years old. Any age in between it is not de rigueur to speak or your derriere in a public place like a restaurant.
Filed under announcement, observation, Random Access Thoughts
Puns for the Educated
Books and Glasses
And as a writer, I enjoy a little play on words.
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”
“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested.”Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!”
Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”
2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire …. and so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with… transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
5. Back in the 1800’s the Tate’s Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression … “He who has a Tate’s is lost!”
6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”
7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”
8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”
9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that … the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don’t need enemas.”
When to redo your resume
Newspaper want ads
I stepped out onto the back deck, and what should I find by a red-headed woodpecker drilling, or rather resting between drills. He was perched on the gutter and appeared to be drilling against the inside or edge of the gutter. As there is a dead tree nearby, the top half with the branches ripped off by a storm a few years back, I had to wonder what lived in aluminum that was so tasty that a woodpecker would pass up a tree that was certainly host to more interesting and edible things, if duller looking.
Now, you might ask, what has that to do with the idea of when to redo your resume. Probably nothing directly. I don’t expect that the woodpecker is carrying around a resume, but it does raise the question of when, while searching for a job or a meal, do you need to change your tactics, if only moderately.
I had to make such a decision recently when I redid my resume. Resumes have never been the best arrow in my writing quiver. But I thought I had a good one. Turns out somebody at a company I had applied for didn’t think so. This information was relayed to me by a recruiter at an agency I was using to apply for the position. There was nothing specific said, other than there were some errors.
After being a bit startled, I went over it, and I enlisted some help in going over it. There were a few things, some of them more a matter of preference, such as for many of my positions further in the past, I had simply listed the year I started and the year I left, with no month on either end. And in a couple of places, I had listed a couple of bullet points in the present tense, while everything else was in past tense. My defense for that was when I put the resume together, those things listed were underway, but not year completed. I was seeing them to their completions. And there were a couple of syntax errors.
I decided to redo the entire resume. I adopted a different style of resume from the one I had been using. I’m not sure I like it as well, but I have been assured by more experienced heads than mine that it is a style more anticipated by those on the receiving end of resumes. And after all, that is who the resume is for.
Now maybe the woodpecker was attracted to the shiny metal of the gutter and missed the tastier, dull-looking thing nearby. Birds are often attracted to shiny things. And maybe I was too attracted by my shiny resume and putting it in the new format allowed me to see some things that might make it a better product. Only time tell. Or it may never tell. I am now using the updated resume, and those receiving it won’t have any chance to compare it to the old one.
Since the information in both versions is the same, maybe the new version will make some of the information easier to see, and I’ll look “tastier” to a potential employer, if not quite as shiny.
Filed under bird, redo, resume, woodpecker
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